Sheer and Utter Terror of Failure

This happens to me quite a bit. I'll be writing, revising, whatever. Then I'll look at other people's work, read agents blogs - everything I should be doing to improve myself in my craft.

Then, out of the blue, I'll get this intense fear that I'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard I write, how hard I try to get something right, no one but me will ever like my work.

I reason with myself. I tell myself that I have a career planned out, a career I look forward to, wish to do, plan to revel in. Medicine is going to be my passion, writing my life. I can't live without stories - they visit me throughout the day, play themselves out in my head when I'm trying to sleep. If I write them down, they leave me alone. But I have more than one goal in life. If I'm not published, I can be a good surgeon (That isn't the least bit subjective. You can either do it, or you can't.)

The only problem is that after you've written something down, you have this intense need to show someone else. And it's then that you realise you first draft might not be as good as you first thought.

So you revise. You re-write. You edit. You pass your work onto good beta's, and they help you make it better. You find the right beginning for your story, the right middle, the right end.

And then you worry that it won't be the right beginning for anyone else. That they'll put it down thinking - this character is just reacting with grief at the moment - this is YA, there should be something exciting on the front page. Never mind if that something exciting confuses, it should be there.

Now, I know people don't think like this (Well, some people do, but I don't really want to know them when it comes to this book. Others - maybe. But they're not going to be the right person for this one.)

I consul myself. I tell myself that even if it never is published, it will be the best that I could make it at that time. That I will have achieved something extraordinary in my life.

It doesn't work. So often the bruising of the ego is so bad that I have to talk myself back into writing again, and then only so I don't go mad with lack of sleep.

So how to fix this? You can't. I can't, anyway. Maybe if I had the validation of being published, it would help, but I doubt it. The practical part of my mind talks of trying as hard as I can, failing, and then moving on to the next project, which may do better. This is why I set deadlines for myself, so I won't keep trying.

There is only one thing that ever helps. Creating something new.

So that's all the advice I can offer. If someone doesn't like what you've written, move on, create something else. Practise.

But above all, write.

A fitting start to Nanowrimo, I think :)

Sian

Terrified of the Hunger Games

Now, I finally did get around to reading the hunger games - about a month ago. I was a very late uptaker (as I was with Harry Potter - what is it with me and popular books?). I enjoyed the book immensely. When I have time, I will read the other two.

But here's the thing. I started writing The Manda when I was about 13. It's been through five drafts since then, and is finally approaching something marketable.

Every Beta reader I have has told me that Kira (my MC) reminds them of Katniss. After reading the hunger games, I can see why. They're not the same person, but they definitely share similar characteristics.

Plot wise, the books couldn't be any more different. My MC end up creating a neutral hospital, not starting a rebellion. Plots have nothing similar (except a oppressive government, but even that isn't that marked. Definitely not as marked as it is in the Hunger Games series. Mine is also slightly more balanced - there's a repressive rebellion too. I mean, you've gotta keep it interesting :D )

I have this innate fear that I will be passed over for representation or publications because someone (agent/publisher/editor) believes I'm trying to rip off the hunger games. I feel as if some shred of my story has been ripped away from my ownership.

I just hope it doesn't come over as too pronounced.

Just random thoughts and worrying :)

The Manda Query

Well, I know it's not perfect, but here is the work in progress version:

When 17 year old Kira Hilter’s mother dies, she retreats from the world to grieve. This grieving process is broken when she first comes into contact with the Manda, beings that can take on many forms and have been used as weapons for decades. They talk to her, something that is supposed to be impossible, and catapult Kira’s life into uncertainty.

The Manda themselves aren’t all that impressed – they have a hate of humanity that reaches back thousands of years. But with this hatred comes secrets about the Manda’s past, secrets that lead to the death of Kira’s grandfather, and the total and utter destruction of any hold of reality that Kira still have left.
To find the man who killed her grandfather and take her revenge, Kira goes to the lucrative Manda tournaments, where the Manda are used as playthings in a game. Here, the Manda’s ancient secrets quite literally come to life, threatening to tear apart the delicate balance of the modern world.

Twenty year old Chae-ku Rowan is the person struggling to keep that delicate political balance afloat, for no other reason than that it is both good for business, and good for the future of his sister. But when ancient grudges that revolve around the Manda start to surface, his sister’s life is put in danger, and Rowan’s control over the world around him is gradually whittled away.

Kira seeks revenge, Rowan control. But with the world around them getting more and more convoluted by the minute, both will have to make a choice. Rowan, whether to trust Kira, and Kira whether to give up her revenge to help Rowan, even if it means walking directly into the clutches of the man who killed her grandfather.

Comments and advice greatly appreciated :D

Practicalities

Well, here we are. After a couple of hours of procrastination, I finally rewrote what I needed to, and have one last section to tackle. Admittedly, it’s a big one, but I should be done with it by tomorrow.
And then that's it. No more continuity errors, no more decisions that don't make sense. Kira's meeting with Marik is still slightly coincidental, but nowhere as near as coincidental as it was last time.
So I have a complete and utter manuscript, with only one small coincidence, and the rest of it relying on the decisions of the characters, even if at times we can't see them making the decisions.
Four drafts, each one written from scratch, and finally the thing makes sense.
And then we come to the practical side of things. I want to sell this. If I can't, so be it, but I want to try. If it doesn't work, then I'll just move on to the next book "Varrick" and if that doesn't work, onto "NKFH". Eventually something will work. Even if it's ten books into the future, something will work.
But a certain amount of coldness is needed if I'm ever going to get this thing published. There are certain actions that have to be taken.
1. I have to read the entire things through on the computer, from start to finish, and not any irregularities
2. I have to print the entire thing out double space, with no overlapping chapters. Then I have to put them in plastic pockets, pick a chapter at random, and edit my little heart out
3. I'm going to make the series four books, not five. It will mean getting rid of some subplots, but it'll be a hell of lot easier to sell: this is the first in a four book series.
4. Plan out the other four books
5. Write a synopsis and query letter.
6. Put the entire thing away/get others to look at it.
7. Write something else
8. Edit my little heart out all over again.
9. Send it out.
10. Hope and pray
Should be fun… yay. Sarcasm intended. :P