Okay, firstly, an explanation. I came to the realisation just before I started this blog, that my main motivation for doing anything comes when people say I can't.
I don't get angry. Not in the way I suspect most people do anyway - I get that when I get frustrated with a brick wall of a person.
But when someone says I can't do something , I say, "damn you, just watch".
That was how I survived Japan, that was why I learnt so much more Japanese in Japan then I did Chinese in china. In Japan, someone was telling me I would never adjust. In China, they smile, say I'll be fine, and then lock me in a classroom with no teachers. That's more frustrating than antagonistic.
I just found the perfect antagonist to motivate me to write better. This person, who shall remain anonymous, just shredded the story I have re-written five times, and that has been a part of most of my life since I was 12.
When I say shredded, there is nothing wrong with that. He just didn't suggest anything worthwhile after the shredding. Or what he did, other people already had.
Of course, this is his opinion. He's entitled to it, I'm not going to argue with him about it. But I desperately had the urge to punch someone after reading what he wrote. After calming down, I realised this particular person was gold. If I can convince him to suggest how he would make my story better, then I would happily have him shred my story into confetti. That doesn't mean I'll necessarily listen to everything his says - I'm liable to ignore most of it. But because he doesn't actually like what I've written, he will be perfectly and totally honest. And for some of the things he hates, he might hate for more reason then it "just didn't work for him"
I learnt, both in Japan and in China that you can laugh at everything. My meimei (younger host sister) keeps asking me about why I'm laughing, because frankly, the things I laugh at aren't all that funny.
There is more than one type of laughter. And laughing - even if it is an angry laugh, a frustrated laugh, a "wtf" laugh, a resigned laugh - feels a hell of a lot better than any other reaction.
This guy made me laugh. Weirdest laughter ever - there was no physical reaction to any emotion in my chest. Normally, you get a tightening, or a feeling of dread, or as I did the other day, a stomach ache.
Turns out for me, anger shows itself physically more in its absence than anything else.
But I desperately hope this person finds my kowtowing email ( well not quite, I started off with something that could possibly be labelled arguing, depend how he takes it) good enough to get back in contact. I want him, so badly, to critique my piece. I want him as my antagonist, and thus my motivation, just because he would do such a bloody good job at it. I might not even hate him so much by the end of it :P